I really don't know

This whole daycare thing has me in kind of a limbo-induced funk.

Last night, while cleaning out a basket of old papers, I finally read some photocopied articles about homeschooling that I got from a home school association meeting I went to months ago. In them there were a couple of choice quotes from students who were encouraged to follow their interests. Like...throw all of their energy into following their interests instead of worrying about what they should learn. The idea is that kids especially (and adults too, when they don't have it quashed out of them) are naturally sponges who adore learning. Who can't help but do it. And if you constantly arrange a tasty buffet of learning opportunities in front of them, they will just eat it all up. They will love to learn, and love life (if I read the subtext correctly).

I love this philosophy. It appeals to me. It resonates with me.

But it makes me think, why the hell am I pushing my daughter into daycare if she doesn't want to go?

I got a panicky feeling several months ago that my daughter needed to be more challenged in lots of ways. She needed to be around new ideas and new activities. She needed to be around new people so she could figure out how to handle herself. She just needed more. More than Anonyhub and I could give her. So we enrolled in a couple of classes at the YMCA. Swimming. Gym time. That went pretty well. Then I decided to go visit a couple of daycare/preschools. Montissori based. One had a fabulous group room for 3-6 year olds. It was bright and vibrant and ordered. But their room for 2 year olds looked a little sad. All the 2 year olds looked like they wanted to be home with their mommies. So I decided to visit a home daycare where an ex Montissori teacher kept 8 kids by herself. It seemed great, in theory. Really great. So we signed on.

And here we are, this morning I dropped Anonybabe off for day 6, and she sobbed and sobbed. She did not want to go. I took lots of time to sit with her, in the driveway, inside the door, and still she howled. Several people now told me she's doing it to get my attention, that she's fine once I'm gone. But if she's doing it to get my attention, shouldn't I listen to her? Don't get me wrong, I don't stay home every time she gets upset that I leave. Far from it. I go to work 40 hours a week and I leave Anonybabe crying with babysitters on occasion without a backwards glance. But this...seems to be getting worse rather than better.

And I...I know Anonybabe needs to socialize with other people...I do want her to learn how to do that...but is there a way to do it successfully so that it is more on her own terms? So she initiates it when she's comfortable? I'm a huge freaking introvert, so I may be a little too protective when it comes to social discomfort. Although I love being with trusted friends and family, it is absolute torture sometimes to have to hold a conversation with people I don't know. I know from experience that throwing myself into the deep end of a pool doesn't necessarily teach me how to swim through a daunting situation. Sometimes I drown in it and then I'm spooked from it for a good long time. If Anonybabe hates this daycare, these perfectly nice people and children so much...I'm not going to force her to deal with it.

I'm going to try this daycare for a few more weeks and if she still doesn't want to go, we're starting over. She still needs more socializing, more learning opportunities, more, more, more.

But I'm not going to drag her kicking and screaming the whole way. I wouldn't want that for me. My parents drug me kicking and screaming plenty of times. Did that help me or hurt me? I really don't know.