Hit me with that ruler, please

I read in some child development rag about setting up rules for your family. It is a tribute to the article that I got through it, because I don't place much stock in rules. Although it doesn't always show, at heart I am something of a libertarian. Rules don't allow for flexibility, they don't fit with the infinite complexity of life. Better to sit and observe your surroundings and come up with a solution that seems right for you, right for the moment, when problems arrive than to live blindly by rules. (Is it a wonder I'm always pinging all over the place?)

This article about rules hit me right where I live, though. It suggested taking a minute to sit down and think about your most cherished values: self-nourishment, thankfulness, empathy, whatever, and come up with 5 simple rules for your household that are centered around those values. That way, you can weave them into all your explanations to your child about why we do or do not do such-and-such in this house. And you get to teach them your value system. And your rules are grounded in things that actually matter to you. This is so much more appealing than reminding Anonybabe to arbitrarily say "please" and "thank you".

Nice and Easy

I had such a nice weekend with the Anonyfam. Pleasing in pretty much every way. And I'm making a mental note of the fact that it involved a hell of a lot of socializing.

I'm still used to thinking of myself as an introvert. And that's more or less true. I won't show you my hand until I'm good and ready. And it takes me a ridiculously long time to be ready. But once I am, I can really throw myself into my friendships.

Events of note this week:
last Monday: Going away party for some acquaintances. It involved hiring a babysitter and going to a hip little bar, drinking delicious alcoholic beverages and chatting it up amicably with people I'm comfortable with. It also involved a little low-key flirting with my husband and others. Mildly pleasant, and it ramped me up for the rest of my week.

Wednesday: Drug a protesting Anonybabe to the beach after work, where we ate a picnic and frolicked in the sand and waves until the sun set. Anonybabe fell asleep in her stroller in the walk home and I got to take a long hot bath and read a self-helpy creative recovery book that helped me see my way out of a funk I'd been in.

Friday: Storytelling round a campfire at a local nature center. Although Anonybabe chatted pretty much non-stop and we had to carry her away from the herd more than once, I loved it. The nature center is this laid back, hidden gem, and the whole park was designed by the guy we named Anonybabe after. Afterwards, Anonyhub had a concert to go to so he dropped Anonybabe and I off at the train station. At first I was resentful that we had to navigate home alone, but it ended up being fun bonding time. Any sort of travel with Anonybabe usually ends up being a hoot.

Saturday: Got up late, made french toast, cleaned the house. Then dressed up in our party dresses and went to a friends house for a barbecue. Small crowd, good drinks, tons of eating. Anonybabe surprised me by volunteering to sing happy birthday to the birthday girl, and then planting herself in the middle of the room to try to woo the crowd with "B-I-N-G-O". Chica liked being center stage. Who knew?

Sunday: Awakened early by a couple who have a child Anonybabe's age in daycare. They seem keen on getting together and hanging out, and so far Anonyhub and I both really really like them. They called to ask us over for coffee and pastries, and we went, we talked, we want to have each other over for dinner. Then Anonyhub and I scooted back to an interview with a new babysitter. A seemingly awesome babysitter.

So the moral? More social activities for yours truly. This introvert is ready to let it all hang out.

My Ears Ring

I had a nice little moment yesterday, where I felt embraced by the universe.

A couple of weeks ago I walked over to a condo courtyard near work to draw some pictures. They were pictures I'd had an idea for years ago, but I'd never acted on the idea. And it felt really good to sit in the grass, in the sun, and just do it.

When I walked back to work I realized I'd lost an earring. A big gaudy dangly monstrosity that I love to wear. It is always getting caught in shirts and sweaters and scarves and falling out. "Oh well," I'd thought. "I was due to lose that earring sooner or later anyway."

Yesterday, I was feeling bummed and on the spur of the moment decided to go for a quick walk. I was thinking about how I never go for walks, even though they help keep me sane. I was thinking about the overwhelming drive I have to hunker down and stay put: physically, emotionally, spiritually. It gives me a sense of stability I crave, but I make myself miserable sometimes because I don't get the fresh air/new experiences/mini-adventures I need to keep life going.

And then I happened to look up and see my missing earring, sitting on the ledge of a building. Someone had found it and put it there. And I just happened to walk by that day and see it. I put the earring in my pocket and fingered it like a talisman while I kept walking. This isn't the first time those earrings have come back to me. It felt like the universe was saying "See? Get out and take some chances. Live life a little. Lose things. We'll make sure you're taken care of and have what you need."

Flight of fancy maybe. And a good one.

Mah BAY-bies!

Anonybabe pretends that everything she touches is someone or something else. Everything. While in the bathtub she pretends that baby pink washcloth is going with mama hairball to the toy store; while at the table she pretends that daddy fork and baby green bean are going to the book store; she walks household items around in that bouncy exaggerated pretend walk she learned from us. Bounce, bounce, bounce - characters in her mundane and thorough recreation of reality.

It's cute, I guess, but odd. I tend to get a little tetchy around it. I spent a lot of time in a fantasy world as a kid, and I get annoyed when Anonybabe does the same thing. I want her here, in this world, with me. Was/am I really that annoying to be around when I'm in my head? One of those unfortunate, I-don't-like-it-in-her-because-I-don't-like-it-in-myself kind of things. Add it to the list of things to work on.

But this I really liked:
Anonybabe as mama-spoon: (marching Mama spoon loudly on the glass table over to the cheese slices) bang, bang, bang. Oh! Are you my baby cheeses?
Anonybabe as baby cheeses: Oh! Yes! We are! We are going to go into Anonybabe's mouth!
(Anonybabe chews, swallows)
Anonybabe as mama spoon: (To us) Anonybabe ate my babies! (Anonybabe rests mama spoon on her tongue so she can look down her throat) Babieth! Ah you ehn there?

Jesus fuck indeed

Jesus fuck am I in a horrible mood today. Anonyhub got the brunt of it. Two angry ranting voicemails worth. I feel bad and he suffers. Well, Anonybabe got her fair share this morning, too. She woke up on the wrong side of the bed, crying, whining with hair-trigger speed.

She is figuring out, in her weird, robot-like way, that crying = sadness. What I mean is, she'll stop to consider the connection. She fell off of a stool the other day and it scared the crap out of her and bruised her bum. She wailed for a couple of seconds and then, when Anonyhub picked her up to comfort her and asked if she was okay, she sobbed "Ye-he-he-hess. I just want to cry for a little bit." And she did. When she fake cries she'll stop to announce it brightly, looking pleased with herself, "I just did a little cry, because I am a little sad." She toys with these announcements, seeing if she can use them to get something: "I am crying because I am sad because I want some apple juice. Wah." When I am on my game I find it clever and interesting to see her work through the emotion/response/reaction cycles. But this morning I wasn't interested in seeing her work out how she could get the breakfast she wanted by crying about the breakfast she had. I wasn't interested in her sincerely tearful implosion after I cheered her up by showing her how her three banana segments could be put together like a puzzle to form a whole banana...and then they kept falling back apart when she'd try to pick them up as one. I tried to sit her on my lap to comfort her, which worked until I tried to get her to eat breakfast, and she would dissolve into tears again.

Then I was angry that I had to try to make her eat, angry that I had to try to rush an unwilling toddler to daycare (why exactly was she in daycare again?), angry that I had to then go to work instead of hanging out with her, angry when Anonybabe refused to get herself out of the car, angry when Anonybabe was suddenly in a great mood as I carried her in, angry when Igor made sure to complain to me that the previous day Anonybabe just chattered and chattered while they were trying to get her to take one of those fucking naps that I hate because they fuck with Anonybabe's bedtime, angry that yet again all I seem to hear about is how inconvenient Anonybabe is.

The result was two angry emails to Anonyhub. Why are we doing this? Why can't we change it? Why aren't you helping me? What the hell are you doing with your time anyway?

Not really fair considering I was just telling Anonyhub how happy I was with his jobless status a few days ago. And just last night I was thinking what an amazing housekeeper he is. Truly. And he's been making damn sure that he finds ways to contribute to the household income - arranging for unemployment, and selling off his record collection as needed.

There's a lot going on here, including a couple of nights without enough sleep and a shitty diet that probably has my blood sugar on the fritz, but I know I'm not happy working 5 days a week. Who is? But I want something different, and I'm tired of asking Anonyhub to make the necessary changes to make me like my life.

Me, me, me, Meeeeeeeeeee

Anonyhub and Anonybabe are off to visit his parents until Friday. If Anonybabe hadn't been so freaking psyched about going, you may have found me a bit verclempt. But she was happy to leave, so I am happy to see them go. Father/daughter bonding is good stuff. As is grandparent/grandchild bonding, if the grandchild is willing (no matter how bloody annoying said grandparents may be to their daughter-in-law). And Mama alone time is a sweet, sweet nectar that I'll be drinking deeply from this week.

Tonight, I set up a little writing nook, I watch Mad Men, I sleep.

Tomorrow, and the next night, I socialize with my lady friends.

Perhaps, if you see me this weekend, I'll be all aglow.

Cute stuff

I've been trying to record little snippets of Anonybabe talking so you all can hear. It's just so hard to capture her very distinct cadence by writing about it. Hopefully soon I can figure out how to edit down the digital clips that I've captured on my iphone.

In the meantime, here are some things she said recently that cracked my shit up. Anonybabe is not so scatological, but since I think it's funny when she is, my stories are. Perhaps I'll remember some sweeter ones to share later:

This one is a little old, but must be shared. I should preface that when Anonybabe wants to pretend like she's someone else, she'll say "grow, grow, Grow, Grow, GROW" in this little escalating sing-song, and then say hi to you as whatever she is pretending to be. I have no idea where she got it, but she does it a lot. This is my favorite example. Anonyhub was peeing with the bathroom door open, as he is wont to do, and Anonybabe walked in to watch him.
Her: Daddy, what is that? (pointing to his penis) Do you have a tail?
Him: No, honey, that's a penis. Remember, we've talked about them bef.....
Her: Daddy, do you have hair on your boodie?
Him: Well, yeah; I do.
Her: grow, grow, Grow, Grow, GROW! Hi, daddy! I'm some boodie hair!

Yesterday I was taking a bath while Anonybabe and Anonyhub played in her room. At one point I immersed my head and blew bubbles out of my mouth, and Anonybabe heard me and asked her dad what that noise was. He told Anonybabe I had probably farted in the bathtub, and she promptly made up a song about me farting in the bathtub, but not in the potty, but making bubbles in the bathtub. Hee.

Friendly Fires

Thanks to my friends who very nicely encouraged me over the past couple of weeks while I let myself play the drama queen over Anonybabe's physical screening.

And I apologize to anybody who was offended over my histrionics about a little physical screening.

I feel I should explain, a bit.

To kids who can't do what the other kids can do (i.e. everybody):

I don't feel it's the end of the world because Anonybabe can't run, jump, hurtle down the playground as fast as other kids her age. In fact, deep down I think it's no big deal at all. I hope I'm right about this, but I think it's just a part of her story. A part of her personality. Chica is freaking deliberate. Chica is hella slow to move. Whether she does it because she is compensating for this or that doesn't seem like it matters that much. It makes her unique, it makes her frustrating as hell, and it makes her delightful, all at once.

So my depressed freak out over Anonybabe's screening wasn't so much because *sob* "Anonybabe is slow! Horrors! However shall we survive?!"

My depressed freak out was more of a crisis of confidence as a parent. I had already decided that Anonybabe was what she was. And then her teacher (who I'd incidentally never heard one positive thing about Anonybabe from) tells me that she thinks Anonybabe needs to be screened for a physical problem the same way she might tell me Anonybabe needs to be screened for cancer. Like she needs to tread carefully. Like I might start banging my head on her toddler sized table and shaking my fists at the sky. Like I shouldn't have been trusting my gut instincts when they told me Anonybabe was just fine. Like all of the things I'd been using to gauge her development and well-being (her communicativeness, her inquisitiveness, her imagination) were dwarfed by her terrible slowness.

Which made me stop and think...should I be concerned? Should I be as hushed and shifty-eyed about the fact that my daughter can't get air when she tries to jump? Should I be as dismissive about her verbal precociousness? Was she precocious at all? Was I in an Anonyfamily bubble?

And here's where I started to go off the deep end. My childhood was steeped in religious fervor, isolation, and a sense of family angst. It was a world unto itself that was completely turned upside down more than once. So it didn't seem like such a crazy stretch to imagine my view of Anonybabe was way off while her seemingly nice, seasoned veteran of a daycare teacher's was spot on. And since her daycare teacher seemed only frustrated and sad about Anonybabe's place in the world alongside her peers, my first step was to see if I could drop my view of Anonybabe and see whether I could pick hers up. Fortunately, I could not. But I did some amazing emotional gymnastics to try to do so.

It is to my everlasting shame that I seem to always give someone else's opinion the benefit of the doubt before my own. And, if I can continue being a bit of a drama queen: it scares me about my soundness as a mama. If your mom can be so easily pushed out of your corner, that can't be great for your self-esteem.

And on and on on this downward spiral.

See what I'm doing here? Going down this path that is less and less connected with reality? It's like going on the Oompa Loompa boat ride. Thanks for taking the mini-tour with me.

Anyway, the downside is that I was dismayed and embarrassed to see how far afield I could go just by somebody telling me that Anonybabe might want to get a little help climbing the monkey bars.

The upside is that now I know what it takes to make some of my old-standing issues blossom. And I know that I want to work on getting said issues under control. Maybe if I feel up to it, later I'll talk in more detail about these mystery issues.

In the mean time - thanks for being nice.