Anonybabe and I spent Mother's Day doing a 4 hour drive home from Indiana.
We'd "camped" Friday and Saturday nights with friends (read: one night of sleeping in a tent and then waking up and realizing what the fuck are we doing in the mud and cold in Indiana in May, and one night of sweet slumber in the Fort Wayne Holiday Inn). We did this without Anonyhub, as he had to work. Plus he hates camping. I've taken Anonybabe on one camping trip per spring/summer since she was in utero. At two years old, this last trip marked her third where the wind, sun, and rain actually tickled her skin. I'm not a big camper; I'm definitely not an extreme camper, but I love lounging outside for extended periods of time. I love making a fire and then orbiting around it for the next couple of days. I love the cycles of tent staking, firewood gathering, food prepping, drinking and sitting.
And I love the connection I get with Anonybabe. Every time we've gone I get a warm mother/daughter glowy feeling. I don't know if she enjoys camping too, or the extra attention, or she's just basking in the glow of my good mood.
This year the lovefest was a marked departure from the way I've been feeling about her lately. I've been feeling alienated from her. Like something's wrong with her or me. Like we'll always be strangers. I went into the camping trip feeling lonely and panicked about her mental health and my own, about our relationship, her education, her social skills, my parenting, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I don't know what shifted while we were slogging through the Indiana mud, or how long it's going to last, but for the past couple of days I feel like I've been able to accept her more for who she is. I worry that she's weird, that she's eccentric. She is. And right now that's delightful. God give me the grace to think that as much as possible during her lifetime. I really, really want to take pleasure in who she is. Even and especially if she's a crazy bee-yatch. And I really, really want to be myself around her. Messy and chaotic and inspired. Moody and lethargic and manic. I didn't realize how much I was putting on the sanitary mommy act around Anonybabe until I got to drop it for a few days. And that it may have more than a little bit to do with why I've been feeling so distant and blue.
3 comments:
I heard once that the best thing for a child to see/feel is that their parents are actually enjoying them. I think this is really true. I'm so inspired by your post. Seeing parents enjoying their children instead of being stressed out by them is such a rare thing.
I had a good friend pass on that same advice from her parents. I try to hold it like a mantra, because I think it's the best parenting advice I've ever heard. But I go through long stretches where I forget to enjoy myself, let alone my daughter or my husband. This same friend was on the camping trip and helped remind me how funny/fun Anonybabe can be. I so needed that.
Just to add to the collective agreement here, my pastor once said he believed his primary job as the father of his two daughters was to delight in them, to model how God delights in us. I thought that was refreshing, coming from the pulpit. His chief job wasn't to discipline, or even to pray for them. But to *delight* in them. Cool.
And I think your observation of yourself, anonymom, that you forget to enjoy yourself, let alone anothers, is very important. Good self-awareness, and I hope you'll grow in realizing your own delightfulness -- in the best and healthiest way possible. :)
Post a Comment