Sleep, sleep

Fuck.

My daughter just went to sleep at around 10:30. I was ready for her to go to bed earlier, of course, but that never means jack shit. But, given her usual sleep patterns I thought she'd be going down around 9pm.

*SIGH*

It doesn't help my mindset that I'm conflicted about how to get her to sleep. There's a part of me that thinks, let her sleep when she's sleepy. That doesn't work when we're out and about because there's no way she's going to sleep when there are things to do, people to see. But when we're at home that seems like a sound strategy, right? The whole teaching her how to get herself to sleep thing sounds good on paper, but it just doesn't feel right at this point to let her cry herself to sleep.

Only when I'm tired or really need some time to myself I get pissed off at her when she's not ready to go to sleep until this late. Really I should be going to bed now so I can get up and be off to work on time. But I just spent 3 1/2 hours walking around with my baby in my arms. I got home at my typical hour: seven. I fed her, anonydad walked out the door.

Have I *SIGH*ed already? Because it bears repeating.

This is getting harder, not easier. I mean, in some ways it's getting easier. We can put her down more and more, she can entertain herself, she has somewhat predictable patterns of eating and sleeping and pooping and whatnot. But now it's like I have time to wake up and look around and realize that I'm not happy. I need to see my husband more. I need to "work" less.

That's another thing. There is practically nothing going on at work. I'm being paid good money to sit around and do next to nothing. I could be at home hanging out with my daughter when we're both actually awake and alert enough to enjoy it. But then we'd be broke. B-R-O-K-E. Would that really be such a bad thing?

Last night she screamed bloody murder when we tried getting her to bed. She had a bright red diaper rash and I thought it was bothering her after I'd changed her diaper. I used this lotion potion on her butt and I thought maybe it was stinging and I felt awful. She really couldn't be consoled, so I told anonydad to run a bath so we could cool her butt. She loves baths. As soon as she heard the water running she calmed down. Smiled even. When we plopped her in her bath (her second one that night) she grinned and splashed happily. And I burst into tears. I don't know how to read her. I want to sooth her when she's hurting, but am I always going to get tugged around like this? I have horrible visions of the future where she knows exactly how to play me, and has me shelling out my money and my dignity while still thinking she's the bee's knees.

So there's that. Then with the sleep thing, I really don't know what's right for her. Teach her that bedtime is bedtime and she can fuss all she wants but she's got to go to sleep? Isn't she a little young for that? I foresee being tougher with her when she's a toddler. Telling her she can read all she wants, but she cannot get out of bed. She doesn't have to go to sleep but she has to go to bed. But am I deluding myself into thinking I'll be able to handle her sleep patterns later? I hate structure. But am I doing a bad thing by depriving her of it?

Here's the rub: nobody knows the answers to these questions. Only she and her dad and I can really figure this out. I just hope we don't figure out what we should have done with her when she's sixteen.