The Natural

Seriously? I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. Mothering, I mean.

Do most people have...I dunno...visions of what they want their parenting to be like? Or goals regarding the kind of person they'd like their child to be?

Because I'm just winging it here. And I'm feeling a little ungrounded.

I mean, I guess if I sit down and think about it - make some sort of a list - I want Anonybabe to be patient and kind, or at the very least thoughtful. I want her to know peace. I want her to know joy and love. If/when she knows heartbreak I want her to know healing.

So what am I supposed to be doing to facilitate that?

I think one thing I might need to do is move us out to the country. We went to visit Anonyhub's parents in the sticks of Iowa, and Anonybabe just opened up there. She got to ride a tricycle. She got to pick raspberries and eat them off the bush. She got to throw rocks in the creek. She got to swing on a swing that was right outside their back door. She got to hold onto a weed and let some smelly pigs tug it from her hands with their huffing mouths. And she loved all of it. She only asked to watch television 2 times a day instead of her usual 675 times a day. And no wonder. She had better things to do, for once.

And even if she doesn't need more contact with nature, it's about time I admitted to myself that I did. And Anonymom-style contact with nature, the kind where you don't have to pack a lunch and organize a few hours. The kind where you roll out of bed and pad to the back door and pick your way around the back yard barefoot for a few minutes while your brain slowly starts to rev. The lazy, enveloping kind.

I'm a - how do you say? - a person who sort of flows with the strongest forces surrounding her. I could fight my nature, or I could move to a place where I'm at peace with the directions I'm being pushed. Position myself well in the river of life, so to speak.