YOU know

I decided to throw out a parenting book the other day. Right in the middle of reading it. Montessori, for 0-3 year olds.

Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with Montessori schooling. From the little I know about it I still think it's pretty great, with its emphasis on community and history and self-actualization. Some of this particular author's theory smacked of bs, but that's another matter, for another blog entry.

Here's what I want to say: I just...I started to feel bad as I was reading the book. Bad and scared. Scared that I'd been screwing Anonybabe out of a happy childhood because I hadn't been following the Montessori method. Bad that I'd been carrying her around so much. On the plus side, the Montessori book brought up some important questions. Didn't I want to foster Anonybabe's independence (yes!) and what was I doing towards that end? (not much!). But overall I was feeling guilty and sad.

Finally, I decided the book had to go. There's a world of hurt and a world of good out there. I choose to focus on the good. Rather, I refuse to make decisions based on guilt and fear when I could be making them based on hope and love, creativity and joy. I refuse to spend time sorting out why the Montessori book makes me feel bad - I've wasted enough time on navel-gazing in my short life. I'd rather spend my time following a thread of inspiration, to see where it leads.

I felt unsure and upended for a couple of days after tossing the book: gasp! I can't just stop a book in the middle because the ideas make me feel bad...and then I'd think...actually, yes, yes I can. Part of me thinks this is dangerous and wrong and part of me thinks I've been crazy not to do this all along.

Living by my own lights. It's kind of a switch for me, and a scary one, too.