Let me confide who I'm liking these days

I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a while (Jesus, this smacks of all those times I wrote in my diary as a girl: "Diary, I'm sorry I haven't written in a while; I'm going to try to do better." Not to be pessimistic, but my fervent promises to write regularly generally ended with an even longer dry spell.)

Anyhoo, I hope to write more. It's generally therapeutic. I feel there's a subtle inner shift going on with me and I've been a little more protective about letting it all hang out. Plus, I like each of you people I've given this link to and sometimes don't want to let all my ugliness hang out in front of you. I've been feeling pretty ugly lately. Plus I've been avoiding this big school writing assignment. I hope to shit that turd out and start keeping it regular. We'll see.

I've just been stuck in a morass of laziness and self pity. And occasional business and good times. Living my life and/or shutting down a little emotionally. You've been there, right? Periods of retreat? Of course you have. And if you haven't....I...don't really know what we're going to talk about at parties.

Country mouse

Just climbed the stairs to my el stop. It's morning, and the sun is shining in a straight shot from Lake Michigan 20 or so blocks down a major street onto our platform and right into my eyes. If I squint, I can see some skyline in front of an explosion of light. Chicago's skyline is awesome. For years it was the one thing that took my breath away when I would drive in from work in the suburbs or round the corner on Lake Shore Drive. Here lately I have to will myself to even look at it.

Anonyhub and I have talked about moving to the countryside for so long. We just didn't know where or when or how. Neither of us are self-starters, and that's putting it mildly. I certainly like being enveloped in the arms of a employer. I have a rebellious streak, but only to get attention. If I'm honest with you and myself, I'll admit that I feel safest and surest when I'm carrying out someone else's orders. I prefer to do my real living in secret. I'm an introvert born and bred, after all.

The point...is irrelevant, but somehow I got here from this: Chicago, the city, she has been good to me. Very, very good. But the siren song of the country never stopped calling and it's time to start heeding the call. To see another place for the first time and soak it all in. Chicago has been a feast for my eyes - the beautiful and the ugly - but not really for my senses. I spent a lot of energy shutting things out rather than letting them in. And I want to live where I can walk barefoot in the dirt and grass again. That act is a prayer and a meditation unto itself. So many of my friends are talking about doing this, about moving outside of the grid with their kids, trying their damnedest to tend house, grow vegetables, pursue those dreams that have been percolating for years. Just as the city was our calling 10 years ago, the house and the solitude is our calling now. Many of us have parents who did the same thing. Up and moved to Louisiana, or Canada. Tried to build a house with their bare hands and live simply. Most of them live in baby boomer houses in baby boomer suburbs now, but we can still learn a lot from what they did. Why they did it.

I really don't know

This whole daycare thing has me in kind of a limbo-induced funk.

Last night, while cleaning out a basket of old papers, I finally read some photocopied articles about homeschooling that I got from a home school association meeting I went to months ago. In them there were a couple of choice quotes from students who were encouraged to follow their interests. Like...throw all of their energy into following their interests instead of worrying about what they should learn. The idea is that kids especially (and adults too, when they don't have it quashed out of them) are naturally sponges who adore learning. Who can't help but do it. And if you constantly arrange a tasty buffet of learning opportunities in front of them, they will just eat it all up. They will love to learn, and love life (if I read the subtext correctly).

I love this philosophy. It appeals to me. It resonates with me.

But it makes me think, why the hell am I pushing my daughter into daycare if she doesn't want to go?

I got a panicky feeling several months ago that my daughter needed to be more challenged in lots of ways. She needed to be around new ideas and new activities. She needed to be around new people so she could figure out how to handle herself. She just needed more. More than Anonyhub and I could give her. So we enrolled in a couple of classes at the YMCA. Swimming. Gym time. That went pretty well. Then I decided to go visit a couple of daycare/preschools. Montissori based. One had a fabulous group room for 3-6 year olds. It was bright and vibrant and ordered. But their room for 2 year olds looked a little sad. All the 2 year olds looked like they wanted to be home with their mommies. So I decided to visit a home daycare where an ex Montissori teacher kept 8 kids by herself. It seemed great, in theory. Really great. So we signed on.

And here we are, this morning I dropped Anonybabe off for day 6, and she sobbed and sobbed. She did not want to go. I took lots of time to sit with her, in the driveway, inside the door, and still she howled. Several people now told me she's doing it to get my attention, that she's fine once I'm gone. But if she's doing it to get my attention, shouldn't I listen to her? Don't get me wrong, I don't stay home every time she gets upset that I leave. Far from it. I go to work 40 hours a week and I leave Anonybabe crying with babysitters on occasion without a backwards glance. But this...seems to be getting worse rather than better.

And I...I know Anonybabe needs to socialize with other people...I do want her to learn how to do that...but is there a way to do it successfully so that it is more on her own terms? So she initiates it when she's comfortable? I'm a huge freaking introvert, so I may be a little too protective when it comes to social discomfort. Although I love being with trusted friends and family, it is absolute torture sometimes to have to hold a conversation with people I don't know. I know from experience that throwing myself into the deep end of a pool doesn't necessarily teach me how to swim through a daunting situation. Sometimes I drown in it and then I'm spooked from it for a good long time. If Anonybabe hates this daycare, these perfectly nice people and children so much...I'm not going to force her to deal with it.

I'm going to try this daycare for a few more weeks and if she still doesn't want to go, we're starting over. She still needs more socializing, more learning opportunities, more, more, more.

But I'm not going to drag her kicking and screaming the whole way. I wouldn't want that for me. My parents drug me kicking and screaming plenty of times. Did that help me or hurt me? I really don't know.

Day Wear

That was awful. I just dropped Anonybabe off, sobbing, at her daycare. Granted, she sobbed about several things this morning: the fact that she had to wear a sweatshirt, that I wouldn't hold Francis while she tried to put on his shoes, that I cleaned her high chair tray. So she was a little tightly wound today to begin with. But yesterday her eyes looked red and puffy when I picked her up from daycare, like she'd been crying on and off all day.

Sigh. We're going to give this a good long trial run. But so far, things are not trending in the right direction.

*****Update*******
She was, of course, fine after 2 minutes. She played me like a Nintendo 64.

Anonypose

To be honest, I'm not really sure why this blog is anonymous.

It's mostly because I modelled it after this blog, and since his was I thought maybe that was the way to go...I thought maybe it was considered incredibly uncool to subject your child to scrutiny on the world wide web, I didn't want to feel obligated to share this with my family, and I thought I might feel more compelled to write if I did it behind a thin veil of secrecy. I now see the veil is almost completely unnecessary, but I keep it out of inertia.

One thing I've missed is sharing pictures of Anonybabe. I love seeing pictures of other people's kids. It takes me behind their eyes and gives me fodder for my imagination. I'd love to share some head shots of Anonybabe and Anonyhub, except that I'm not quite ready to break with the anonymous format.

This morning I realized I had a slew of pictures that don't really identify anybody in my family...at least they leave a reasonable doubt as to who they are. I've decided to post several for your/my viewing pleasure.

Enjoy!


Walking with Francis:

I don't know what the neighbors did to piss Anonybabe off, but she's certainly not shy about sharing her displeasure:

Anonybabe and Anonyhub:

In the car:

In the bus:

In the bath:

On the job:

Heaven/Hell

Igor surprised me be being vivacious and chipper immediately after I complained about her. And then she proceeded to give Anonybabe a lecture about only using her paci during nap time in front of me...despite the fact that we planned on letting her use it as her security blanket in her new environs.

Sigh. Nothing Igor does is a crime, and I watch Anonybabe closely when Igor does something uncool to make sure she's handling it. She generally gives Igor a blank "I'm tolerating you, bitch" stare and lets it go.

I worry that I'm an overprotective Anonymommy. So it was nice to hear a couple of you tell me that you thought Igor sucked and it was even nice to hear you recommend that I take stronger measures than I'm prepared to take with her at this point. I agree with my best friend's caveat "It's probably good for Anonybabe to be around people who don't think everything she does is the best idea ever." She then proceeded to tell me to rat Igor out to her boss and confront her myself.

Anyhoodle, I thought we'd try Igor and her sweet boss - let's call her Franky - out for a month and reassess after that.

Have I mentioned what a saint Franky is? She's better than I imagined when we interviewed her. She offers Anonybabe hugs and frequent "I love you's" and doesn't at all take it personally when she's rebuffed, she's given me detailed status reports of the day, including the good, the bad, and the ugly in an unrequested voicemail on Anonybabe's first full day; she lets Anonybabe participate if she wants and lets her lurk around the edges of activities if she wants; she gave Anonybabe a birthday present - a puzzle, because she noticed that Anonybabe liked doing puzzles the few hours she'd been there.

I think I'm in love...except why would she hire such a blah and bossy bitch to be her assistant? Is good help that hard to find?

Far and Away

Left Anonybabe at daycare for her first full day today. It sucked. The nice, awesome owner who reeled me in with her smiles, and warmth, and you'd-better-dress-her-in-stained-clothes-because-we-like-to-make-a-mess-up-in-here-how-else-you-gonna-learn philosophy is going to be gone today. She was out last Tuesday - for Anonybabe's first short trial day - too.

When she's gone her Igor of a helper is boss, who has a grim smiling mouth and frowning eyes. "Come here," she'll say to her charges in a syrupy sweet voice. "Come here and look at these fish. Come on." I don't like her. Anonybabe doesn't like her. She refused to take Igor's hand this morning when she tried to lure Anonybabe away from me to play with their new slide. "Come on." Igor cooed. "Play on the slide now." as she shooed me away with both her free hands.

I heard Anonybabe crying as I left.

But then there's this. I'm at work, now, as usual. Anonyhub went to work for a couple of hours and then called me to complain about the radio show his co-worker was listening to while they priced records. "It was horrible," he moaned. "It was some talk show that was supposed to be about progressive politics but all they did was slam some woman who insulted Michelle Obama. Why can't they have a show about how great Michelle Obama is instead?" Yada, yada, yada.

As I nodded and um-hummed, I felt a shift and a clicking sensation. This felt familiar. This felt like a pre-Anonybabe shooting of the daily shit. For the past two years, when Anonyhub called I could hear Anonybabe in the background, yammering her head off, demanding to talk to me, demanding that he stop talking to me, demanding "gwapes". And vice versa on the days I call Anonyhub at work.

For the first time in 2 years there was no one between us.

And it was good.