Monkey on my....you don't even want to know.

Okay, I'm slapping an NC-17 rating on this one - take a second look at the title line and be forewarned.

I've had my share of unwelcome sex dreams; haven't we all? Sex with a distasteful boss, sex with that asshole customer, etc. Whatever; I assume my brain is just doing its job processing random bits of information and that I shouldn't worry my pretty little head about it too much. Shrug it off to a lack of action and/or my subconscious trying to sort out a power struggle. I once heard someone say that dreams are brain farts. And that sounds about right.

My dreams got a lot more feral and violent when I was pregnant. Angry motorists raping other angry motorists, sex with a giant cat who was intent on biting or scratching my face off...again, I shrugged it off then, since pregnancy and childbirth are both feral and violent. My dreaming seemed like a pretty healthy and natural - if mysterious - way of working through that.

I've been quietly amused at how my sex dreams these days - if they happen at all - feature pretty vanilla sex with my husband and only my husband. I don't even have the sexual energy to get creative in my mind.

But a few days ago I had this detailed dream that I was married to a monkey. Not even a humanized one, just some ooo-ooo ahh-ahh chimp. Suffice it to say, the dream involved lots of conjugal monkey sex. Dream Anonyhub saved me from my poor choice in mating material, only to have a pissed off Monkeyhub turn into a mollusk with miracle-gro tentacles, grab me by the ankles, hang me upside down, and threaten to rip me in half.

Any armchair Jungians want to help me take a stab at this one, because it feels like my subconscious is pulling out the big guns to try to get my attention...about what?

Monkey sex dream disturbed the shit out of me, man. And I'm most disturbed by the fact that...it was disturbing, that it got to me at all. Am I troubled by my shriveling sexuality? My daughter? My desire to have more kids? What? WHAT?

Je-frickin-hosaphat, subconscious, step away from the bestiality and let's talk about this like civilized human beings!

Needless to say, I am eyeing the home pregnancy test aisle again.