Yesterday I was feeling my usual inadequacy as a parent, in a very self-indulgent look-how-bad-I-suck-at-this way.
I told you how many more giggles Anonyhub has always been able to elicit from Anonybabe, and last night was no exception. I would ham it up and just get the same blank stares she gives strangers. I find these stares more than withering, precisely because they aren't meant to be. They don't say "you're stupid", they say "no really...what on earth could you possibly be doing? I'll just sit here and wait for you to calm down and see if you eventually manage to do something I can connect with."
And then there's a problem I've seen coming from a long way back and see stretching into my future with Anonybabe. I'm not an authoritarian person. At all. I hate being in charge; I back off from any confrontation, and I have a bit of a anarchist streak that says authority is not to be trusted or respected anyway and everyone should just tend to themselves. And here's what I think about that: do you know how much easier it is for a parent and their kid if the parent is unequivocably in charge? A lot. It doesn't mean the relationship is then happy or great by any means, but it at least eliminates these uneasy power struggles. This doesn't mean the parent has to be a hardass or an asshole about it, but I think it is the parent's job - like it or not - to fill the role of boss and then train the kid for it until the kid is able to take on that role themselves. I still haven't fully accepted that I have to be the boss of my baby. And I worry that she's going to turn out to be an out of control brat, at least around me. That, my friends, would make me, my daughter, and anybody around us unhappy.
So first I need to pep talk myself into taking on the role of parent. Pep point #1: it's just a role. A necessary role. I gotta pick it up with relish knowing I can lay it down as I train her to pick it up for herself, or when she turns 17ish, whichever is sooner. Pep point #2: I don't have to believe in my innate ability to be in charge but I do have to believe in my innate responsibility, and just do it. Pep point #3: if I do my best, I shouldn't worry overly about being a bad parent. I can try to introduce her to people who have what I haven't got, and give her what I do, and not burden myself unnecessarily with guilt about ways I don't measure up. Not helpful.
And pep point #4, which kind of slices through the gordian knot for me: one friend of mine with a 5 year-old passed on this advice from her mother -- the best way to have an enjoyable kid is to enjoy them. Have fun with them. Learn what you like about them and then whoop it up with them. The Who's-the-Boss matter is important, but not as important as this. If I can manage to really and truly enjoy Anonybabe for who she is, I feel I will have done right by my daughter, that she'll have a reference point for finding her inner core, and will more naturally slide into being the captain of her own soul.
The biggest thing I have to fear is fear itself in this department. As in last night, facing Anonybabe's blank stare, I fear I won't know how to enjoy her because I often don't know how to enjoy myself around others. I've had many many moments in my life where I conducted myself like an alien, so far in my own head that I don't know how to just be with people and hang out. Ach! Are my introverted tendencies going to rob me of a relationship with my daughter? For the first time this makes me want to leave them behind. To try to pick up connecting with people the way a kid tries to pick up smoking. Awkwardly, mimicking at first until she can get the hang of it.
I told you how many more giggles Anonyhub has always been able to elicit from Anonybabe, and last night was no exception. I would ham it up and just get the same blank stares she gives strangers. I find these stares more than withering, precisely because they aren't meant to be. They don't say "you're stupid", they say "no really...what on earth could you possibly be doing? I'll just sit here and wait for you to calm down and see if you eventually manage to do something I can connect with."
And then there's a problem I've seen coming from a long way back and see stretching into my future with Anonybabe. I'm not an authoritarian person. At all. I hate being in charge; I back off from any confrontation, and I have a bit of a anarchist streak that says authority is not to be trusted or respected anyway and everyone should just tend to themselves. And here's what I think about that: do you know how much easier it is for a parent and their kid if the parent is unequivocably in charge? A lot. It doesn't mean the relationship is then happy or great by any means, but it at least eliminates these uneasy power struggles. This doesn't mean the parent has to be a hardass or an asshole about it, but I think it is the parent's job - like it or not - to fill the role of boss and then train the kid for it until the kid is able to take on that role themselves. I still haven't fully accepted that I have to be the boss of my baby. And I worry that she's going to turn out to be an out of control brat, at least around me. That, my friends, would make me, my daughter, and anybody around us unhappy.
So first I need to pep talk myself into taking on the role of parent. Pep point #1: it's just a role. A necessary role. I gotta pick it up with relish knowing I can lay it down as I train her to pick it up for herself, or when she turns 17ish, whichever is sooner. Pep point #2: I don't have to believe in my innate ability to be in charge but I do have to believe in my innate responsibility, and just do it. Pep point #3: if I do my best, I shouldn't worry overly about being a bad parent. I can try to introduce her to people who have what I haven't got, and give her what I do, and not burden myself unnecessarily with guilt about ways I don't measure up. Not helpful.
And pep point #4, which kind of slices through the gordian knot for me: one friend of mine with a 5 year-old passed on this advice from her mother -- the best way to have an enjoyable kid is to enjoy them. Have fun with them. Learn what you like about them and then whoop it up with them. The Who's-the-Boss matter is important, but not as important as this. If I can manage to really and truly enjoy Anonybabe for who she is, I feel I will have done right by my daughter, that she'll have a reference point for finding her inner core, and will more naturally slide into being the captain of her own soul.
The biggest thing I have to fear is fear itself in this department. As in last night, facing Anonybabe's blank stare, I fear I won't know how to enjoy her because I often don't know how to enjoy myself around others. I've had many many moments in my life where I conducted myself like an alien, so far in my own head that I don't know how to just be with people and hang out. Ach! Are my introverted tendencies going to rob me of a relationship with my daughter? For the first time this makes me want to leave them behind. To try to pick up connecting with people the way a kid tries to pick up smoking. Awkwardly, mimicking at first until she can get the hang of it.
2 comments:
Points well made. I hate the idea of my kids seeing how insecure I am because I know I didn't respect my mom for her insecure/decisive posture in life. So I'm trying to get a better perspective on myself and my humanity (my flaws and missteps aren't really that big of a deal) and also fake it 'til I make it.
There are also those moments (this will happen when your baby's older probably) when you feel your kids need to know how powerful you are so you conjure up a devil's voice and the intense glare of the devil and scare the daylights out of 'em. Those were rare moments but I did feel my capacity for authority. It reminds me of self-defense at Wheaton when you're taught to yell, in a throaty voice, "NOOOO, I won't be a victim!"
Oh my precious alien... don't you worry too much... that's why you have friends to kick your ant AB's rump into shape when you need it. For what its worth you're the coolest alien I've ever met.
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