I knew that I would, now.

So I've been feeling more optimistic, about life in general and about parenting in particular.

I can't say what has helped me turn from a hyperventilating food nazi with a penchant for hating my husband and my breast pump and even my daughter at the drop of a hat, to being...well, more me-like. Just last night, before dropping off to sleep, I thought of all the parenting mistakes Anonyhubby and I would make over the course of Anonybabe's life, and instead of feeling my usual mounting panic, I smiled and rolled over and went to sleep.

I think my parent's "mistakes" were probably the best thing that could have happened to me. They let a little air in & allowed me to learn who I was and what I wanted out of life. I'm not ready to stick a beer in Anonybabe's hand and send her down to the lake to go camping with the boys on spring break, ("not 'til you're 12, hon"). But I am ready to relax into the reality that I don't know what the hell I'm doing, and that it'll probably turn out okay anyway. In fact, if I take a deep breath and don't try to make everything perfect for my baby, things'll probably turn out a lot better for everybody involved.

My marriage might even survive this thing.

Since I'm dedicated to full disclosure, I'll admit here what I admitted to my husband on Friday: I recently ordered a whole book on how to play with your kid. It should feel sad to need to read something that is going to have to be intuited anyway, but the act of ordering it buoyed my mood immediately.

"Why, because now you'll have somebody telling you how to do it?" asked Anonyhubby, with a tone of barely suppressed derision.

"No, because I did what I know to do to try to move closer to my daughter and just the act of doing it made me relax. It made me believe I really can connect with her because I want to."

Anonyhub nodded his head and bunched out his lower lip in thought. "That makes sense."

So maybe ordering the equivalent of the Dummies Guide to Parenting was the tipping point. Whatever. I don't care what did it. I feel good.